Diet and Recipe Articles
HALL OF SHAME FOODS! SPECIAL
By John McGran, eDiets Editor-in-Chief
The following was excerpted from my eDiets Newsletter. I hope John doesn't mind my sharing it with you!
May 13, 2005
Sorry, Walt and Mickey... it's not a small world, after all. In fact, judging by the size of some recent restaurant offerings, it's soon gonna be a supersized world for all!
By now you must have heard of the 15-pound burger that's available at a Pennsylvania tavern. FIFTEEN POUNDS! Man, I remember a young, burger-loving guy who not that long ago thought a quarter-pounder was a whopper of a meal.
Well, that burger boy grew into the man you now know as Mr. Bad Food. I am older and wider thanks, in part, to my fondness for fast food. And now it is my sworn duty to sniff out the good, the bad and the ugly foods lurking at your favorite restaurants and food stores.
To quote Popeye, "I calls 'em as I sees 'em" and this week I see the latest smorgasbord of nominees for Mr. Bad Food's Hall of Shame.
NOTE: The following submissions come from honest to goodness readers. And that's what makes them all the more frightening. If you know of a Worst Food Hall of Shame nominee, please email me at email@example.com. The nominee could be a food you saw being served at a restaurant or eaten by some one other than you. Feel free to confess your own eating sins.
NOTE 2: Mr. Bad Food tried something a little different last week and I fear I lost a large portion of my regular audience by doing so. In case you missed last week's column, Be Slim and Sexier in 6 Steps, click here and give it a read. I think you'll like the sweet advice served up by guest columnist Raeleen Mautner, author of Living La Dolce Vita: Bring the Passion, Laughter and Serenity of Italy into Your Daily Life.
Now, in honor of Burger King's new stomach-stretching Ultimate Double Whopper (with cheese and bacon, mind you) and Denny's Beer Barrel Pub's goliath-sized 15-pound Belly Buster cheeseburger (it costs $30 and feeds a family of 10), Mr. Bad Food is rolling out yet another unbelievable group of nominees for the Worst Food Hall of Shame. Hold onto your hats and your stomachs. Today's nominees are extra-special... as in extra disturbing.
Folks, if we are what we eat, we are in a lot of trouble! Be sure to stick around after the Hall of Shame for a few more of your best worst jokes and a couple of your printable comments on past columns.
This issue's Worst Food Hall of Shame nominees are...
Next Time Try Culinary School
When our son was in college, he and his roommates ate anything available (to save their money for partying). The most gross to me was the one where they opened whatever canned foods they had and mixed it all together. His favorite was a can of tuna, a can of corn, peanut butter, jelly, relish and leftover fried rice from days before when he had Chinese take-out. It was all mixed together and sometimes placed on top of a slice of leftover pizza or a doughnut. Gross! Thank goodness he survived.
I'll Stick With The Steak
Years ago I invented a sandwich that contained my favorite foods and provided all the satisfaction of a protein-heavy, filling steak dinner. I would melt a generous portion of butter in a frying pan. Then, using 2 slices of raisin or cinnamon bread, I'd spread on chunky peanut butter, some salted cashews, slices, jack and cheddar cheese, and a good heap of real mayonnaise. I would slowly cook this until every ingredient slightly melted together and the bread was brown. This was so heavy, greasy and better than a steak.
Pour, Pour Pitiful Me!
My boyfriend's favorite food is ketchup. He eats it with everything, and I mean anything that goes in his mouth at any time of day. This is gross: over the stove he cooks 2 cans of full-fat hearty chili with 2 handfuls of grated cheddar cheese and 2 handfuls of tortilla chips that he crunches into the mix. He then puts this mixture over 4 toasted cinnamon raisin bagels and tops every one of the eight pieces with ketchup. This whole process makes me want to run screaming from his house.
Not Your Usual Chip Dip
As a teenager I ate tortilla chips dipped in Crisco (lard) as a snack. It makes me sick to think about it now but it was so good back then. Of course you have to drink a Coke with it to wash away the grease from your mouth.
Well, Bowl Me Down!
When I was younger, after a night out with my friends I would go home and get a huge serving size bowl and pile in it lettuce, 5 slices of sliced cheese broken up into pieces, about 6 slices of prepackaged ham and 6 slices of prepackaged turkey broken up into pieces, and about a fourth of a bottle of Baco's. Then I would get the bag of Lays potato chips (the extra greasy kind) and break them up all over the top of the salad, and add croutons and so much salad dressing that there was a pool of it left when I finished my meal. I would wash it down with good old Coca-Cola (preferably warm). Hmmmm... how I miss the good ol' days.
The Quik And The Dread
My dad used to eat Alpha Bits cereal with Nestle's Quik chocolate milk (pre-made in the carton) instead of regular milk. My mom's pick was just as gross. She would heat up the Nestle Quik chocolate milk to make hot cocoa, cut large chunks of sharp cheddar cheese and drop them in the cocoa. I've heard of a chocolate milk mustache but a cheesy choco one? Ewww!
My Cheesy Boyfriend
My boyfriend LOVES cheese and I mean on EVERYTHING! He tops off his cereal and milk with pieces of American cheese. He adds American cheese to his pizza. But the worst is his favorite movie snack: Kit Kats dipped in hot nacho cheese sauce!
When I was pregnant with my third child, my favorite sandwich was 2 quarter-pounder burgers barely cooked, each topped with 2 slices of cheddar cheese. I'd put mayonnaise on one side of the bun, chunky peanut butter on the other side. It also contained raw red onions and as many sweet pickle slices as I could get to stay in the sandwich. Thank goodness I'm not pregnant anymore!
If This Is Heaven...
As a child growing up in Austin, Texas, I would walk to my grandparents' restaurant after school to wait for my parents to pick me up. I had full access to the kitchen and created many weird concoctions. My favorite snack was made by taking a piece of American cheese and lining up french fries on it, then covering it with another slice of cheese to make my "sandwich" which I would then dunk in my glass of chocolate milk before each bite. Yum! I thought it was pure heaven.
The Muffin Man Gone Wild
When our now-grown children were small, I always had a bowl of my homemade tuna salad in the refrigerator. My husband Barry's favorite breakfast was a hot cheddar cheese melted on a toasted English muffin that was spread with chunky peanut butter, covered with cold tuna salad with a hot "poached easy" egg on top! Our "kids" still laugh about it today!
My uncle has one of the worst that I have ever heard of. He takes a Saltine cracker and slathers it with mayo, peanut butter, butter, syrup and jelly -- all of this on a single cracker. It makes me sick to even think about it.
For Cheez A Jolly Good Sandwich!
When I was in grade school someone inevitably brought this snack to every class party: open-faced sandwiches of Cheez Whiz and crushed potato chips on white bread.
When I was younger, as an after-school snack I would make the "SODWE" as my family called it: Something Only Dani Would Eat. This sandwich consisted of two slices of wheat bread. On one slice I placed mayo, mustard, ketchup, paprika, salt and pepper. On the other were layers of kosher pickles and American cheese. Just thinking about it makes me sick now.
We're Bacon For Mercy Here!
I used to LOVE bacon and grape jelly sandwiches on white bread. I ate them all the time, until one day while eating one, I was like,"YUCK!" I never ate them again.
The Biggest Loser
I was listening to a local talk show this morning out of Sacramento. The subject was about people who don't watch what they eat and don't exercise and don't care. A woman called in and said she knew someone who ate 12 Big Macs. They didn't believe her so she put him on the phone. Yep, he ate 12 Big Macs, fries and Cokes in a contest... and LOST to another man who ate 14! He went on to say that he weighs 470 pounds and eats at least a half gallon of ice cream every day. I heard this 5 hours ago and still can't get this off my mind.
The following is in response to Mr. Bad Food's request for jokes.... (Forgive me for the stupidity of this one.)
Q: How do you catch a unique bird?
A: Unique up on 'em.
Q: How do you catch a tame bird?
A: Tame way, unique up on 'em.
Hope you enjoyed it.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt. He says to the bartender, "I'll have two beers -- one for me and one for the road"
Q: What's pink and fluffy?
A: Pink fluff!
Q: What's blue and fluffy?
A: Cold pink fluff!
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick!
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of pre-schoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading: There was an Old Lady who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think the old lady will die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on Fear Factor."
Cidra, Washington D.C.
Do you have a joke for Mr. Bad Food? How about a nominee for the Hall of Shame? Maybe there's something you just need to get off your chest. Whatever the inspiration, feel free to email Mr. Bad Food at firstname.lastname@example.org. If it's a diet you need, be sure to check out eDiets.com.
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