LEAVE ’EM LAUGHING
A panda walks into a bar and orders and drink and some food. The bartender serves the panda and he proceeds to eat a hamburger and drink a beer. When he finishes, he takes out a gun and fires bullets all over the bar, breaking windows, glasses and causing considerable damage. The bartender says, "Hey, Panda, what do you think your doing coming in here and destroying my bar like that?" The Panda says, "I'm a Panda, look it up" and he walks out of the bar. The bartender takes out his dictionary and looks up Panda, where he reads in the definition, "Panda, tropical animal, eats chutes and leaves."
OK, OK... let's try to leave on an up note. How about a few metaphors and analogies from "actual" high school English papers?
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
Had enough? I am saving a few more of these gems... just in case you are a glutton for punishment like me. If you like what you've seen or simply want to share a joke or a comment, please drop me a line at email@example.com.
John McGran, eDiets Editor-in-Chief, is not a dietitian. Nor is he a nutritionist. He is a connoisseur of calorie-rich, nutrition-poor products. Whether it's a sit-down, take-out or store-bought food, it's fodder for a prime ribbing in the Worst of the Worst Foods.
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